The Journey Back Home

For years Ansley has asked to be homeschooled. Why, I really don’t know. Maybe because she knew I had been homeschooled in Middle School and High School. I would tell her that if God wanted me to do it, I would have to obey. And then I would silently say to God, “but surely you aren’t going to tell me to do that right?”

WRONG!!!!!

At the beginning of 2016 we got our re-enrollment paperwork for school. There was a tuition increase that was a bit larger than normal. Once we spoke to the principal and found out the reasons we were fine with it. However, we wondered if we could handle the increase financially. At that point we began to think about our other options. It was then that I really started to think about homeschooling. And when I say “think about it”, I mean I tried to think about it as little as possible because it just wasn’t something I wanted to do. And full disclosure; my reasons were extremely selfish. I had a mental pros and cons list and while the pros list was quite long the only thing on the cons list was that I would lose my days to myself. I was in such turmoil it was kind of pathetic, almost embrarrasing. We began praying about whether or not to keep the kids at PCA. I was probably not praying as genuinely as I should have because of my strong desire to keep them there. When we received a financial blessing we jumped on it as if that was the answer we were looking for. We went ahead and re-enrolled and I thought things were great.

WRONG AGAIN!!!!

The last 6-8 weeks have been ridiculously stressful mentally for me. The battle between my selfish desires and my desire to obey God has been worse than it’s ever been in my life. I’m not trying to be melodramatic. There were days I could think of nothing else. I had no peace whatsoever. Zilch! Nada! I kept thinking, “but I can’t do BSF anymore, I won’t be able to go back to ILC, etc”. I wanted to spend my time doing good things, but God was asking me to do something even more important.

Slowly, like s-l-o-w-l-y…God began to peel back the layers of my heart and my mind. He used His Word, music, sermons, Sunday School lessons, BSF lessons and wonderful friends and even people I don’t know well to confirm what I knew deep down He was telling me. I was getting downright annoyed at times by all the confirmations He was giving me. I described it to one friend as if I was sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming that I didn’t want to hear, because I knew what it was I was supposed to do.

I very slowly began to reach out to God and tell Him that I wanted to obey, but I was just petrified. A fear of failure is one of the biggest weapons the Enemy uses against me and he was attacking with everything he could. Friends of mine who I know were just being funny were unfortunately helping him by joking with me that “I couldn’t do it”. Thankfully, God also put a woman in my life who did nothing but encourage me and tell me that of course I could do it. She will NEVER, NEVER know how meaningful that conversation on my front porch was.

At this point my prayers stopped being about asking Him what He wanted me to do, because I knew. They became “God, please change my desires”. And ya’ll…He did!!!! Not right away. Again, this was a slow process because I was still kicking and screaming as He was doing it. One friend told me last night “your face today compared to last week is totally different. Last week you were so conflicted and today you are so peaceful”. That is ALL GOD!!! I don’t think I’ve ever in my life experienced such a transformation in my desires. It's like a total 180!

But, because I’m so stubborn, I still wasn’t able to take that step. For almost a week I was just standing there on the edge. Starting to move forward, but so scared…even though by now I wanted to take the step! How God has patience with us, I’ll never fathom. This was still ALL I was thinking about. It was so all consuming and I knew that if I would just take the leap I would find the peace I was looking for. But I also knew that once I took the leap, the Enemy would come at me even harder so that would scare me back off the edge.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Finally, yesterday after more and more confirmations of the peace that would come, the blessing that would come from obedience, the strength He would give me for every moment He took my hand and led me over the edge. And just like I knew it would…the peace washed over me in such an obvious way. I’m not gonna lie, there is still some nervousness and apprehension, but the peace is so much bigger than that is.

I am so excited about what the future holds and the freedoms that this will allow us. I have so many ideas and plans and am so looking forward to figuring out what curriculum we will use, what co-op we will join, etc. I have gotten so much amazing input and advice and encouragement from homeschool moms that I’ve reached out to and I just can’t wait to dive in deeper. I’ve already got 3 different lists going ;);)

Obedience is so, so hard for me. Why it still is I don’t know because He has shown me so many times the blessing that will come. I’m only sharing this to encourage anyone else who is in the midst of a similar situation (not necessarily homeschooling) that it is so worth it to obey. It always is.

Just this morning, once again, God used His word to encourage me:

“She senses the worth of her work…” Proverbs 31

This is worthy work. And I’m so grateful He has called me to do it.

Dear First-Time Moms,

A friend of mine had a baby last week.

Her first baby.

As I looked at pictures and status updates I was reminded of my first few days, weeks and months of being a mother. While it can be fun to think back to those first few seconds and minutes of meeting my first born for the first time…if I’m honest, those next days, weeks and months weren’t always full of joy.

Yes, I loved her when I first saw her face. But truthfully I wasn’t “in love” with her right away.

I feel like there is so much pressure on us ladies to be “blissfully happy” from the moment that child exits our body. That this is the pinnacle and there is no way that anything can top it.

But let’s be honest for a bit.

Any of us who have experienced newborns know that it’s not all “candy and roses”. There is hard stuff to deal with. We are recovering physically (don’t get me started), emotionally (really don’t get me started) and hormonally (really, REALLY don’t get me started). And it’s not fun!!!!

I remember feeling so overwhelmed with all those things, but then ridiculously guilty because for the first couple weeks I wanted to stick her back inside and never let her come out again.

I know I am not the only mom who would just lay in the bed and cry (while sweating like a pig on a roasting pit) and wish life could go back to how it was before… and I wish more of us would be honest about it. I think it sets up unrealistic expectations for those moms that come behind us. We put on our “best face” so that others won’t see how all that craziness bubbling up inside.

Now, I do know that there are those people who just love the “newborn stage”. I am not one in any way shape or form. If I could birth a 6 month old (who was already developmentally a 6 month old), I would have done it. But even those moms have had moments where they were too overwhelmed for words.

I’m not saying everyone is going to be the same. I know not everyone is like me. I just want those new moms who aren’t drowning in happiness to know that it’s ok.

It will come.

I promise.

I can’t tell you when.

But it will. 

It's that time of year again.

Time for looking back, while at the same time looking ahead.

I feel like it's been a long time since I've spent this much time thinking about the past year and the upcoming year. Not sure why. Maybe because 2013 was such a rollercoaster of...well, everything.

I've gone from being lonely, depressed and uncertain of my future to seeing God restore a relationship I wasn't sure could every be made whole again. I've been on the high of hearing from the Lord on a hilltop in Caenarfon, Wales to ancient wounds in my heart being revealed a day later sitting around a dining table in Wales. I spent several months eargerly digging into a book of the Bible that spoke to me so profoundly to ONCE AGAIN letting the enemy steal the joy and peace of the Christmas season away from me. Up and down. Up and down...

Up and down.

I wish I could say I was starting out 2014 on an up, but I think I'm still more in the "down" category. I can't exactly figure out why - other than the fact that my failures keep bubbling to the surface. Faillure is probably my biggest fear and it's what the devil usually attacks me with. It's pretty cool that the next person in the Bible I will be studying is Gideon.

...

Back in my 20's I always made New Year's Resolutions. Always. I would print them out and tape them to my computer at work so I could see them. The problem was that I was ALWAYS trying to do them in my own power. I've been thinking for a few weeks about my "goals" or "resolutions" for 2014 will be. I've had lot's of different thoughts. But they all come down to basically this:

Speak less, listen more. 

Now, if you know me - you know that won't exactly be a walk in the park. This is something that I know is necessary for me to grow spiritually. (The only caviat is that I do need to talk to God more, but I also need to listen morer - I know that's not a word, just being silly). I have ideas of what I think God might be doing in my life and things He might want me to do. But I'll never get there if I don't learn to just shut up.

I say all this to so that you can help me. Kthnxbye :)

"Then I thought..."

I was reading Psalm 77 in my quiet time this morning. I have read this Psalm more times in my life than I can remember, but I never noticed this until this morning. Or if I have noticed it before, I've forgotten it. (that seems to happen at an alarming rate) 

The writer is Asaph and he is going through a difficult time in his life. It goes without saying that everyone has gone through a difficult time so we can totally empathize with what he is saying. In verses 1-9 he is crying out to God and feeling as if his prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. He even goes so far as to say, "will the Lord reject me forever?" That's a pretty harsh accusation, but if we are honest, I'm sure we have all said something similar to God in our lives. I know I have. 

Here is vv. 1-9:

1 I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out untiring hands,

and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

 The turning point in this passage is v. 10: 

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

the waters saw you and writhed;

the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

the heavens resounded with thunder;

your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

your lightning lit up the world;

the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

How often do we stop at v. 9? How often are we so caught up in our current situation and feeling as if God isn't doing anything that we never go to that next step and say, "ya know what? I remember all those things God has done in the past. I remember how He has taken care of me and I have full confidence He will do it again." How often do we "meditate on His works and consider all His mighty deeds?" I hate admitting that far too often I have gotten so stuck in my current situation that I have failed to look back and remember His faithfulness and the supernatural way He has worked things out for my good. 

For the past couple of years the verse that I keep going back to is Psalm 13:5-6: "But I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."

I pray that will continue to be what I keep going back to... That I keep  persevering until verse 10 ("Then I thought...") and not get stuck in my sorrow and hardship. 

Beauty in the Broken

We went to the beach today with some of our dearest friends. It was an absolutely perfect day. Rhonda and I were sitting and chatting while the kids played in the water, in the sand and of course looking for sea shells. Ansley came running up to me with 3 shells in her hand. She was so excited and so proud of her find.

Then I looked at them.

All 3 of them were broken. And if I'm honest, just plain ugly.

I gave her a fake, "oh aren't they nice!!" and threw them into my bag. I was totally unimpressed.

As the day went on however, I began to think of those 3 broken shells more and more.

We are those shells. I am those shells.

Thankfully, we don't have a Father who fakes excitement with us when we bring ourselves to Him. We have a Father who is genuinely overjoyed when we bring our broken lives to His throne of grace. Our Father cleans us up, shines us up until we sparkle so that the whole world will see Him in us.

The enemy on the other hand, doesn't want us to think that. He wants to remind us how broken we are. He wants us to dwell on the fact that some lots of the things in our past are just plain ugly. He tries to tell us that our Father could never be proud to call us His own.

I know how often I have listened to the Enemy instead of my Father. It can be a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. But I must remember that if my Father knows how many hairs are on my head, if He knows how many grains of sand there are in the world, then surely he cares about a broken shell.

And how much more does He care about me.


I think I may clean these up and shine them until they sparkle so that I will have a daily reminder.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

It's really happening

I've written before that for a very (very) long time I have wanted to go on a missions trip. For various reasons that hasn't happened in the past 33 years. I've continued to pray for the opportunity, but also to be patient and wait for God's timing. Not the easiest thing, even though He has given me some great outreach opportunities on a local level. Well, in October the biggest obstacle was removed. Danny finally told me he was ready to let me go!!! I was so excited!!! The trip I had the deep desire to go on was to Wales, but it was only for college age students so I figured God was saying no to it and decided to think towards the Haiti trip. A couple months later I found out that the Wales trip was opened up to all ages. I was even more excited then because I felt like God was giving me that chance to go to a place I just had that "feeling" about. You know that feeling? The one where you can't exactly understand that draw to whatever the "thing" it is.

Danny and I went on a cruise in December. The first night in the dining room we were seated with an older couple who were from....guess??? No really, guess!!! Yes!!! They were from Wales!!! Of all the places in the world thats where they were from. We talked all about the country and some of the history. I got their email address so I could tell them where I was going once I found out the name of the city.

We got home from our trip and I started getting my letter prepared for fundraising. I was waiting on one piece of information before sending them out. When I finally got the info I was told the money was needed by the end of February. I was told this at the beginning of February. I felt very frustrated and upset that I might not be able to go because I couldn't get the money in time. All the while praying that if this wasn't the right thing for God to reveal it to me. I sent the letters and hoped for the best.

We got an email the middle of last week that said we needed to order our plane tix in the next couple of weeks. Well, I was nowhere near having enough and became very discouraged. I talked to my best friend about it and figured that if I didn't get the money in time I would just send everyone's checks back. I was wondering if I had made a mistake, if I had heard God wrong. Well, like He likes to do...my sweet heavenly Father made it abundantly clear that I had indeed heard Him correctly. On Saturday I got a few checks and they totaled the EXACT amount I needed for the plane ticket!!!! I was so happy I couldn't even stand it.

But Sunday hadn't happened yet...

The sermon at church yesterday morning was basically about stepping out in faith and letting God work out all the details and being able to give Him all the glory for it. As I was listening I was just smiling thinking that God was in the midst of working out the details and I was able to just watch and enjoy. I had been given a couple checks in church, but didn't open them until I got in the car. When I opened them I about had a heart attack. I couldn't (still can't) believe the generosity of the people in my life. I was absolutely speechless most of the way home. I was in tears at one point because I was so overwhelmed with God's kindness...and His timing.

Now, I'm more nervous than ever...because unless something major happens - I AM GOING TO WALES!!! I AM GOING ON MY FIRST MISSIONS TRIP!!!! I'm excited, scared, anxious, everything!!!  I'm sad that my mom isn't here to share all this with, even though I believe she is telling our Father how thankful she is that He has taken such good care of me.

I'm trying to put into words how I feel and it's really not possible. However, this song explains it pretty well :):)

 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. "

Ephesians 3:20-21

 

(this was the verse that the sermon was preached from yesterday...

see what I mean about how cool our God is??)

Really God???

If you haven known me for any length of time, you know that I am not exactly a "kid person". I love my own and my friends kids...but that's generally about it. Sounds mean, I know.

I've worked in ETC at church because it's a duty (having my own in the nursery), not because there was this desperate desire to be with children.

I'm not even sure when it started, probably sometime the beginning of the year, I started having new feelings towards the kids each month. I remember being very surprised one month when I purely enjoyed my time with them. I began to enjoy it more and more and then *SHOCK* I started to enjoy being around kids I would randomly meet out in public. Somehow I knew better what to say to them, or I would joke with them and have fun. I remember thinking to myself, "God, please tell me you aren't preparing me to work with kids."

I'm sure He had a good chuckle when I said that. :)

Fastforward to June. There was a last minute need at VBS for a Kindergarten teacher. There had already been stirrings of "should I get more involved with kids?" so I decided to give it a shot. I figured it would be a nice short term thing that would tell me if this is what I wanted to do. At the end of the week I said to numerous people, "I loved it and had a blast, but I could never do this on a weekly basis."

I'm sure God laughed even harder that time :)

This past Sunday was my first official Sunday as a preschool teacher!! I wasn't looking to do it, but there was a need and as I prayed about it, it became glaringly obvious that God wanted me to do it. When I looked back over the past months I could see the progression to this place. I am so sad to leave my dearest friends from my Sunday School class, but I'm even more excited about this new adventure!!!

But as in everything...I can't help but think of my mom. She was a fantastic preschool leader and while I wish so badly that she could be here to help and encourage me, I know she is rooting me on from Paradise. Since she was so creative with her kids, I get the opportunity to use a lot of her handmade things in my class. I'm so excited to teach these children the same way I've seen her teach children in the past. I pray that God uses me the same way He used her.

I am so amazed at the plans God has for His children and I feel so fortunate to be a part of His plan!!!