"Yet for love's sake" Part 2

Well, today was a pretty darn good day.

We got to the conference in PLENTY of time…we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too.

The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, “people wonder if that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.”

Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love “Joy to the World” and particularly the last verse:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Well today while singing it, it kinda said something I’d never “heard” before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear.

Then he sang “O Holy Night”. This was my mom’s favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. I’m sure it didn’t happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there.

He sang another song I’d never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!

Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today.

I’ll be honest…after last night’s session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,” The point being that we won’t know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that “perhaps” it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:

We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness.

That which makes us the most joyful isn’t always what makes us the most useful.

You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it

I’ve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive God’s Word truly is.

One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and it’s so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and it’s such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me.

Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies we’ve done, I’ve never seen her cry to the point where she couldn’t talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency.

The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didn’t even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer.

We had a blast the rest of the day…just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. I’m writing and she’s reading. I’m soooooo relaxed!!

This weekend has been just perfect. I really can’t remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. It’s just been great that it’s all been rolled into one weekend!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 1

I’ve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I don’t forget it all!

The Beth Moore “Living Proof” event started tonight. I’ve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condoJ and made some good memories.

We got to the civic center and got some really great seats.

Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be like…at least a little bit J I’m not even sure the name of the first worship song, it’s one I’ve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is “our God is Healer, awesome in power…” I’ve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldn’t help but smile J

We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song – one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same song…”Revelation Song”. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I  As we got to the chorus:

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J

We sang a song I’d never heard before, I’m thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang “In Christ Alone” which speaks for itself and if you’ve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and  “I Love You Lord” which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say “favorite” a lot, but I just love so many of themJ

I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way J

I love how God has orchestrated things ahead of time. He knew that leading a Beth Moore study right now would have just been impossible. I actually finished up the last session of "Stepping Up" a week and a half before my mom died. It's also given other ladies an opportunity to lead, however...I have to say that I am really missing it. I feel a desire to lead again. I am praying and asking God if my motives are pure or not. I don't want to do it out of pride and I just don't know if that desire is pure or not. I think maybe the Holy Spirit just gave me an idea...:) If I can lead again come the new year I'm supposed to, and if I can't, then I'm not supposed to. We have limited studies on Wednesday nights and there may not be room for me to lead. Not sure if that is from Him or not...guess I'll just keep praying about it :)

Too tired to post much tonight other than to say how amazed I am at how the love of the Father can quiet a heart in such a sorrowful time. He is so amazing and I'm so glad I can't comprehend Him.

God is ridiculously cool!!

Right now is a very confusing, stressful, exhausting time in my life. Last night I just felt there was no way I was going to handle this. I had been reminded the night before about how so often we just "eat the seed" of the Word instead of actually "sowing it". I prayed that I wouldn't just keep eating it.

This morning I was getting ready to do a day of "Stepping Up". One of the things we are to do is pray prostrate on the floor before starting the study. I was on the floor asking God to quiet me, to sing over me because I simply knew I couldn't get through the next "however long" without Him doing that for me. Well, in God's "coolness" this is the scripture we were studying today:

Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I do not get involved with things
too great or too difficult for me.

Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself
like a little weaned child with its mother;
I am like a little child.
Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
both now and forever.  (Psalm 131)

It's verses 2-3 that really jumped out at me...obviously :) At this point...He still used v.1 later  though for a different issue:) It's just like God to answer your prayer in such a neat way. I'm going to type a lot of the exerpts from the lesson today because they are just sooooo good!!!

"Psalm 131 reminds us the words of God are not primarily for seminaries, dissertations and theological treatises. They are primarily for everyday living on the third rock from the sun..."  and another "It reminds me that the lofty words of God were meant for the lowlands of planet Earth."

Verse 1 talked about being prideful and how we get ourselves in over our heads in situations. Which I know I am so guilty of lately. She had us read Deuteronomy 29:29 to helps us know when a matter is too great for us. The answer being that what He has revealed to us as opposed to what He has kept seceret to Himself. Then she goes on to say: "The things God has revealed are meant for us to study, ponder, teach and share though even then with discrection and wisdom regarding our hearer's capacity to handle them. The secret things however, belong to God - for instance, exactly why planes hit buildings, tsunamis hit cities and children get cancer."

She talks about shutting our mouths at times instead of just talking like we know what we are talking about (or because we are just so overwhelmed):

"The primary reason we are sometimes at a loss for words is that we SHOULD BE at a loss for words. We're in over our heads and silence is our best option. And when the time for words does come, we're wisest to say what is true, 'I just dont know why things like this happen, but I'm so so sorry.' "

I know in my own life right now I feel like I've opened my mouth way too many times lately when I should have just said "I dont know and I'm sorry". I pray I won't forget this lesson. But it's also been a good reminder that it's ok to not know all the answers. I mean, until we reach Glory we really CAN'T know the complete answer answer. In our communication with God I am so grateful that we are allowed to be honest and say whatever it is we need to say. That we can ask Him why. Tell Him we don't know why He is allowing this. But realizing we also need to proclaim what we do know to be true about God - that He is compassionate, and gracious, slow to anger and rich in love, faithful, forgiving, etc"

This was the final quote of the day and again it spoke to me very personally:

"I do not seek , O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them; but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand." (Anselm - an 11th century monk)

Still "Stepping Up"

Ok, I know I said before how awesome this study was, but oh my goodness!!! It has just gotten better and better. I wish I could just transcribe everything I have learned. The Word of God is so amazing, I can't even begin to describe it. The thing that affected me the most tonight was about how at the Last Supper Jesus and the disciples would have sang the "Hallel" which is Psalm 113-118. That means He would have sung Ps. 118:24: "Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."... on the day He died. Can you even imagine? I know I can't.

And seeing the context of things Christ said...on certain days, during certain feasts (Feast of Tabernacles being the one we were learning about)...it's just amazing how perfect and totally complete the Bible is. I am so overwhelmed with wonder and awe right now...really.

"The Parable of the Playroom"

So for those of you who know me...you know I don't like to attempt difficult things. I'd just rather not even try, then to try and fail. Which is why ever room in my house (especially the ones with cool paint jobs) have been done mostly by my mom. I just watch and help with the easy stuff.

So when this playroom idea came about and I realized I was going to have to do this on my own, I was pretty nervous. I knew I wanted to do it while Danny was gone so that I could just focus on it and not have to worry about anything else.

Also...for a very long time I've basically looked at my mother as my "earthly Holy Spirit". I'm sure anyone with very godly parents understands what I mean. I've always used her "approval" as my own. I've known that wasn't right, but it was a habit I had started and one I didn't feel like breaking to be honest. With everything going on I knew one of the lessons God was teaching me was that I was now going to HAVE to depend fully on Him and not use my mom as my "safety net" if you will. I'll be honest, I really don't like having to learn these lessons this way.

That's how these 2 stories come together....

Wednesday morning as I was moving furniture out of the playroom I just began praying and asking God to have mercy on me...and make this job go smoothly. I told Him that He knew my personality and that I was having a difficult time knowing my mom wasn't going to be able to be a part of it and could He just make this a learning experience in all kinds of areas for me. Day 1 went right on schedule, one little snafu, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. My parents did come over Thursday and my mom tried her best to help tape some lines, but after 2 she just couldn't. I knew she wanted to be a part, but she just physically can't do things. I did so enjoy having her there though to be a part of it.

It really wasn't until Friday afternoon as I was painting the 2nd set of stripes that I even realized how smoothly this whole process had gone. Linda had taken Ansley all day Friday and Zach was in the middle of a 4 hour nap!!! I had time to finish everything and get it all cleaned up before he got up. I was on cloud nine...seriously!

It was so neat to me that God had used something purely physical and unimportant (the painting of a room) to show me that He was going to be my Helper, the one I could depend on for everything. Now believe me, I know there are going to be times here soon where I'm feeling lost without my mother, but God is already preparing my heart... I know it. He's gently telling me (and proving) that He loves me, everything about me. He made me just for this situation so of course He is going to take care of me through it, if I let Him. He gave me the most wonderful mother in the world. A woman who has raised me to love Jesus more than anything. My heart's desire is to love Him as much as she does. I could never express the wonderfulness that she is. She has taken care of me in every single aspect of my life. But now I need to truly let my Father do that, as I should have been all along.

Anyway, not sure if I'm expressing it how I really want to...but I love finding little "parables" or metaphors in life that can apply spiritually.

Here are some pics of the transformation. Still have some finishing touches of course :)

Before:

 Doing the work:

 After!!!:

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

"Stepping Up"

At the beginning of Summer the Holy Spirit laid on my heart to do this Beth Moore study. I hoped the church owned it so I could do it myself this summer. They didn't, which was fine.

After some things transpired I am now facilitating this class on Monday nights. IT IS AWESOME!!! I can't even describe it. I soooooooooooo know why God wanted me to do it now :) I love how He works things out better than we could ever imagine.

It's very different than any of her other studies I've done. So much more real reflection and seeing how you can apply each Psalm to your own personal situation. The Word of God is truly alive!!

Refreshed!

I've spent the last 2 days being pampered and waited on while sitting in a beautiful home at the beach and learning more ESL training. It has been so wonderful getting to know these women...particularly the women that I will be assisting this year. I'm so excited to be a part of this organization and am so humbled to be in the company of these people. I actually feel so ridiculously unqualified...these women have either been teaching forever, been missionaries to everywhere...OR BOTH!!! I've battleled a little bit with regretting how much of my life has been wasted. I know there is no point in that though.

Anyway, so excited about this new adventure...and so scared too!!!!

"wuv....twoo wuv"

We had a marriage seminar at our church last night with Kirk Cameron and Warren Barfield. It was wonderful! There wasn't a bunch of ground breaking information or anything, but it is always so good to be reminded about Who created marriage and what marriage is for. It always makes me feel closer to Danny somehow.

Warren told the story about how he wrote "Love is Not a Fight". Unfortunately I could so relate to that story. Danny and I don't fight like that often, but we have a few times and it is so devastating. I so appreciated Warren's honesty at sharing something so personal. I know how embarrassed I feel after a fight like that and I wouldn't want anyone to know the things we have said to each other.

My favorite lyric from that song has always been, "and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door". He talked about how he told his wife he was leaving that night of the argument but how grateful he was that God had sent angels to guard the door that night. It was so beautiful and I'll never listen to that song the same way again.

I'm so grateful for a husband who is trying sooooooooooooo hard to be the man God wants him to be. No, he's not perfect. But his hearts desire is to be all that God has for him and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I know I don't tell him that enough. Shame on me.

Anyway, it was a great night!!

He's working it out...

It's pretty cool to see how God works out all the little details. Even the ones that frustrate and annoy you. I think this new venture with the Women's Bible Study is going to be interesting. It may not work, but at least we can say we tried!!

Trusting is so hard!!

Why is trusting God so hard? We know He is faithful, we know He is going to do the best in the situation so why do we have such a hard time trusting Him???

Right now, ONCE AGAIN I can't sleep. But this time it's because I can't stop thinking about this situation (I don't want to say "problem" because that sounds bad) that I find myself in. I was given a position in our Women's Ministry at church. Myself and the director came up with this plan for Bible studies for the women. I was very excited and everyone I talked to about fascilitating was excited and on board also!! I figured it was obviously from God because that just doesn't happen. And now there is a huge curve ball thrown at us and I'm just not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure I'm hearing from God that I need to be the one to make the big change and do things differently with my study. Now we just need to get Danny on board with it. I also don't want to stifle the excitement of these other women. Hopefully they won't have the control issues I have and will just go with it.

Right now I'm just praying that what I'm hearing from God is right (but based on the very timely study I'm doing right now...it is), that Danny agrees to what I'm going to present and that the attendees will "think outside the box" also and get on board with what the church is wanting to try.

I'm so bad right now trying to just "let go and let God", but my prideful, selfish self just keeps wanting to hang on to it!!

Hmmmm...

I'm not very good with coming up with titles...maybe I'll just stop doing them.

Been feeling convicted today that even though the last few years I've learned a lot about God and all the things He can do in me...have I actually let Him change me? Or am I still trying to do everything in my own power, while just gaining knowledge about Him? Am I just getting more and more prideful and not truly LIVING a Christ-like life? Am I still the same on the indside, but just "looking" better on the outside?

What's interesting is that my Bible study today was about conviction...and how we know if it is truly from the Holy Spirit or if it's from the enemy. I'll be praying about this of course, but I think it really may a conviction and not just a way for satan to make me feel guilty.

This is the last thing I want to be...a hypocrite.

God's Faithfulness

I felt led to get this all out before I begin to forget details (which I'm sure I already have forgotten some aready).

Since I was in HS I have wanted to go on an international missions trip. We never had the money though and my parents never wanted to "ask" for it. They now regret being that prideful. Fasf forward many years and many of my own wanderings...

In 2007 I began asking Danny if I could go on a missions trip. I remember praying about it before hand for weeks, praying for the right timing. I asked him and it was a flat out NO. I was devasted. Absolutely devastated. And very angry also. I knew that God had not taken this desire away and why couldn't Danny see that? He wasn't in the will of God at this time and it was very hard for me to submit to someone who was not even asking God what He thought about it all. In the long run however, I know it was God keeping me from going because I would have been about 7 or 8 months pregnant by the time the trip came around.

I asked again about trips off and on, but was so scared he would get mad that I just kept it all inside. During this time however he began to walk with the Lord again and I started to get encouraged that maybe the next time he would say yet.

In the fall/winter of 2010 there was a China trip announced for March of 2011. Of course I immediately wanted to go. They were going to be teaching on Revelation and I had just completed 2 lengthy studies on Revelation myself. I think in my own prideful nature I thought I would be a benefit. However, I know at least part of my heart was right...I just wanted to go tell people about Jesus! This time when he said no it wasn't as resolute as last time, but he just let me know he wasn't ready yet for me to go so far away. I really did "understand" where he was coming from; young woman, 2 small kids at home, etc...but I was still upset because I still felt called to it. Once again however, there was a reason for the "no". On December 10th we found out that my mom's breast cancer had metastasized and that the situation was dire. The next few months were spent at many doctors appointments, radiation, etc...I can look back now and say that God was just keeping another stress off my heart. Or, was it because He had something even better in mind :)

In March of 2011 our pastor made a post on Facebook that said, "if you want to help with internationals let me know". I immediately said yes. The reason is because that very day I had been crying (literally) to my mom that I wanted to do something for God, go somewhere, be a witness somehow. This was nowhere near the first conversation on the subject.I had been telling her how I felt like I never did anything. (and really maybe some of that is true because I sure never went and witnessed to my neighbors) She had encouraged me like she always does that God's timing is best. I'm sure she said some other wonderfully spiritual things but I've already forgotten them. (like I stated before)

The next Thursday night, there we were at this location learning about how we can witness and serve refugees, immigrants and foreigners right here in Jacksonville! I had already felt like it was an answer to prayer and as I was sitting there I realized something. I leaned over to my pastor and said, "if I had gone on the China trip I wouldn't be here right now." Because THEY WERE STILL IN CHINA!! I was so unbelievablely overwhelmed (still am actually). My spirit told me this is where I was meant to be! I wrote down that I would do anything they wanted me to do, never thinking I could actually be a teacher.

After a couple months of learning more about the place and sitting in on some classes I believed the Lord was leading me to teach there. One reason I believed it was God was because I was soooooooooooooooooo going to have to trust Him in ways I've never had to before. Even down to childcare...they provide it, but what if my kids get sick? We are coming up on cold season and what do I do? All these questions are still swirling in my head, but I keep going back to the fact that God wants me to do this. I have never really had to STEP OUT in obedience like this before. It is so much scarier than I even imagined, but so exciting at the same time!!

I've gotten my certification and starting in September I will be an assistant teacher. Even that was an answer to prayer. I left the decision of which class to teach up to them. I figured that way I couldn't make the decision instead of God. They've put me in a class that is going to require EXTRA dependence on God.

He has answered a 15+ year prayer in a way I never would have expected. In ways where I can do so much more for Him than I ever thought I could. Even Danny is serving at this location from time to time :)

Now don't get me wrong...I still want to go on a missions trip and Danny has already told me he is getting a little warmer to the idea. Even in this way He has blessed me. I actually *gasp* submitted to my husband's authority and didn't fight him or try to change his mind. I fully believe God has blessed that obedience. Believe me, I say none of that in pride because generally I don't "submit" so easily :) But I do want it to be an encouragement that God WILL bless your obedience!!

I am so looking forward to how God is going to work out all of the details and I'm so thankful to Him for loving me in a such a specific and personal way. I reallly hope I can continue to blog about this so that I can look back and trace His finger all through the journey.

It's for security reasons that I am not saying the name of the ministry. There are extremists still looking for some of the students.

It's up at least...

Too tired to make a real "first post". Couldn't sleep tonight. I'll update tomorrow.