Why is trusting God so hard? We know He is faithful, we know He is going to do the best in the situation so why do we have such a hard time trusting Him???
Right now, ONCE AGAIN I can't sleep. But this time it's because I can't stop thinking about this situation (I don't want to say "problem" because that sounds bad) that I find myself in. I was given a position in our Women's Ministry at church. Myself and the director came up with this plan for Bible studies for the women. I was very excited and everyone I talked to about fascilitating was excited and on board also!! I figured it was obviously from God because that just doesn't happen. And now there is a huge curve ball thrown at us and I'm just not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure I'm hearing from God that I need to be the one to make the big change and do things differently with my study. Now we just need to get Danny on board with it. I also don't want to stifle the excitement of these other women. Hopefully they won't have the control issues I have and will just go with it.
Right now I'm just praying that what I'm hearing from God is right (but based on the very timely study I'm doing right now...it is), that Danny agrees to what I'm going to present and that the attendees will "think outside the box" also and get on board with what the church is wanting to try.
I'm so bad right now trying to just "let go and let God", but my prideful, selfish self just keeps wanting to hang on to it!!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hmmmm...
I'm not very good with coming up with titles...maybe I'll just stop doing them.
Been feeling convicted today that even though the last few years I've learned a lot about God and all the things He can do in me...have I actually let Him change me? Or am I still trying to do everything in my own power, while just gaining knowledge about Him? Am I just getting more and more prideful and not truly LIVING a Christ-like life? Am I still the same on the indside, but just "looking" better on the outside?
What's interesting is that my Bible study today was about conviction...and how we know if it is truly from the Holy Spirit or if it's from the enemy. I'll be praying about this of course, but I think it really may a conviction and not just a way for satan to make me feel guilty.
This is the last thing I want to be...a hypocrite.
Been feeling convicted today that even though the last few years I've learned a lot about God and all the things He can do in me...have I actually let Him change me? Or am I still trying to do everything in my own power, while just gaining knowledge about Him? Am I just getting more and more prideful and not truly LIVING a Christ-like life? Am I still the same on the indside, but just "looking" better on the outside?
What's interesting is that my Bible study today was about conviction...and how we know if it is truly from the Holy Spirit or if it's from the enemy. I'll be praying about this of course, but I think it really may a conviction and not just a way for satan to make me feel guilty.
This is the last thing I want to be...a hypocrite.
Friday, July 22, 2011
God's Faithfulness
I felt led to get this all out before I begin to forget details (which I'm sure I already have forgotten some aready).
Since I was in HS I have wanted to go on an international missions trip. We never had the money though and my parents never wanted to "ask" for it. They now regret being that prideful. Fasf forward many years and many of my own wanderings...
In 2007 I began asking Danny if I could go on a missions trip. I remember praying about it before hand for weeks, praying for the right timing. I asked him and it was a flat out NO. I was devasted. Absolutely devastated. And very angry also. I knew that God had not taken this desire away and why couldn't Danny see that? He wasn't in the will of God at this time and it was very hard for me to submit to someone who was not even asking God what He thought about it all. In the long run however, I know it was God keeping me from going because I would have been about 7 or 8 months pregnant by the time the trip came around.
I asked again about trips off and on, but was so scared he would get mad that I just kept it all inside. During this time however he began to walk with the Lord again and I started to get encouraged that maybe the next time he would say yet.
In the fall/winter of 2010 there was a China trip announced for March of 2011. Of course I immediately wanted to go. They were going to be teaching on Revelation and I had just completed 2 lengthy studies on Revelation myself. I think in my own prideful nature I thought I would be a benefit. However, I know at least part of my heart was right...I just wanted to go tell people about Jesus! This time when he said no it wasn't as resolute as last time, but he just let me know he wasn't ready yet for me to go so far away. I really did "understand" where he was coming from; young woman, 2 small kids at home, etc...but I was still upset because I still felt called to it. Once again however, there was a reason for the "no". On December 10th we found out that my mom's breast cancer had metastasized and that the situation was dire. The next few months were spent at many doctors appointments, radiation, etc...I can look back now and say that God was just keeping another stress off my heart. Or, was it because He had something even better in mind :)
In March of 2011 our pastor made a post on Facebook that said, "if you want to help with internationals let me know". I immediately said yes. The reason is because that very day I had been crying (literally) to my mom that I wanted to do something for God, go somewhere, be a witness somehow. This was nowhere near the first conversation on the subject.I had been telling her how I felt like I never did anything. (and really maybe some of that is true because I sure never went and witnessed to my neighbors) She had encouraged me like she always does that God's timing is best. I'm sure she said some other wonderfully spiritual things but I've already forgotten them. (like I stated before)
The next Thursday night, there we were at this location learning about how we can witness and serve refugees, immigrants and foreigners right here in Jacksonville! I had already felt like it was an answer to prayer and as I was sitting there I realized something. I leaned over to my pastor and said, "if I had gone on the China trip I wouldn't be here right now." Because THEY WERE STILL IN CHINA!! I was so unbelievablely overwhelmed (still am actually). My spirit told me this is where I was meant to be! I wrote down that I would do anything they wanted me to do, never thinking I could actually be a teacher.
After a couple months of learning more about the place and sitting in on some classes I believed the Lord was leading me to teach there. One reason I believed it was God was because I was soooooooooooooooooo going to have to trust Him in ways I've never had to before. Even down to childcare...they provide it, but what if my kids get sick? We are coming up on cold season and what do I do? All these questions are still swirling in my head, but I keep going back to the fact that God wants me to do this. I have never really had to STEP OUT in obedience like this before. It is so much scarier than I even imagined, but so exciting at the same time!!
I've gotten my certification and starting in September I will be an assistant teacher. Even that was an answer to prayer. I left the decision of which class to teach up to them. I figured that way I couldn't make the decision instead of God. They've put me in a class that is going to require EXTRA dependence on God.
He has answered a 15+ year prayer in a way I never would have expected. In ways where I can do so much more for Him than I ever thought I could. Even Danny is serving at this location from time to time :)
Now don't get me wrong...I still want to go on a missions trip and Danny has already told me he is getting a little warmer to the idea. Even in this way He has blessed me. I actually *gasp* submitted to my husband's authority and didn't fight him or try to change his mind. I fully believe God has blessed that obedience. Believe me, I say none of that in pride because generally I don't "submit" so easily :) But I do want it to be an encouragement that God WILL bless your obedience!!
I am so looking forward to how God is going to work out all of the details and I'm so thankful to Him for loving me in a such a specific and personal way. I reallly hope I can continue to blog about this so that I can look back and trace His finger all through the journey.
It's for security reasons that I am not saying the name of the ministry. There are extremists still looking for some of the students.
Since I was in HS I have wanted to go on an international missions trip. We never had the money though and my parents never wanted to "ask" for it. They now regret being that prideful. Fasf forward many years and many of my own wanderings...
In 2007 I began asking Danny if I could go on a missions trip. I remember praying about it before hand for weeks, praying for the right timing. I asked him and it was a flat out NO. I was devasted. Absolutely devastated. And very angry also. I knew that God had not taken this desire away and why couldn't Danny see that? He wasn't in the will of God at this time and it was very hard for me to submit to someone who was not even asking God what He thought about it all. In the long run however, I know it was God keeping me from going because I would have been about 7 or 8 months pregnant by the time the trip came around.
I asked again about trips off and on, but was so scared he would get mad that I just kept it all inside. During this time however he began to walk with the Lord again and I started to get encouraged that maybe the next time he would say yet.
In the fall/winter of 2010 there was a China trip announced for March of 2011. Of course I immediately wanted to go. They were going to be teaching on Revelation and I had just completed 2 lengthy studies on Revelation myself. I think in my own prideful nature I thought I would be a benefit. However, I know at least part of my heart was right...I just wanted to go tell people about Jesus! This time when he said no it wasn't as resolute as last time, but he just let me know he wasn't ready yet for me to go so far away. I really did "understand" where he was coming from; young woman, 2 small kids at home, etc...but I was still upset because I still felt called to it. Once again however, there was a reason for the "no". On December 10th we found out that my mom's breast cancer had metastasized and that the situation was dire. The next few months were spent at many doctors appointments, radiation, etc...I can look back now and say that God was just keeping another stress off my heart. Or, was it because He had something even better in mind :)
In March of 2011 our pastor made a post on Facebook that said, "if you want to help with internationals let me know". I immediately said yes. The reason is because that very day I had been crying (literally) to my mom that I wanted to do something for God, go somewhere, be a witness somehow. This was nowhere near the first conversation on the subject.I had been telling her how I felt like I never did anything. (and really maybe some of that is true because I sure never went and witnessed to my neighbors) She had encouraged me like she always does that God's timing is best. I'm sure she said some other wonderfully spiritual things but I've already forgotten them. (like I stated before)
The next Thursday night, there we were at this location learning about how we can witness and serve refugees, immigrants and foreigners right here in Jacksonville! I had already felt like it was an answer to prayer and as I was sitting there I realized something. I leaned over to my pastor and said, "if I had gone on the China trip I wouldn't be here right now." Because THEY WERE STILL IN CHINA!! I was so unbelievablely overwhelmed (still am actually). My spirit told me this is where I was meant to be! I wrote down that I would do anything they wanted me to do, never thinking I could actually be a teacher.
After a couple months of learning more about the place and sitting in on some classes I believed the Lord was leading me to teach there. One reason I believed it was God was because I was soooooooooooooooooo going to have to trust Him in ways I've never had to before. Even down to childcare...they provide it, but what if my kids get sick? We are coming up on cold season and what do I do? All these questions are still swirling in my head, but I keep going back to the fact that God wants me to do this. I have never really had to STEP OUT in obedience like this before. It is so much scarier than I even imagined, but so exciting at the same time!!
I've gotten my certification and starting in September I will be an assistant teacher. Even that was an answer to prayer. I left the decision of which class to teach up to them. I figured that way I couldn't make the decision instead of God. They've put me in a class that is going to require EXTRA dependence on God.
He has answered a 15+ year prayer in a way I never would have expected. In ways where I can do so much more for Him than I ever thought I could. Even Danny is serving at this location from time to time :)
Now don't get me wrong...I still want to go on a missions trip and Danny has already told me he is getting a little warmer to the idea. Even in this way He has blessed me. I actually *gasp* submitted to my husband's authority and didn't fight him or try to change his mind. I fully believe God has blessed that obedience. Believe me, I say none of that in pride because generally I don't "submit" so easily :) But I do want it to be an encouragement that God WILL bless your obedience!!
I am so looking forward to how God is going to work out all of the details and I'm so thankful to Him for loving me in a such a specific and personal way. I reallly hope I can continue to blog about this so that I can look back and trace His finger all through the journey.
It's for security reasons that I am not saying the name of the ministry. There are extremists still looking for some of the students.
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