The Journey Back Home

For years Ansley has asked to be homeschooled. Why, I really don’t know. Maybe because she knew I had been homeschooled in Middle School and High School. I would tell her that if God wanted me to do it, I would have to obey. And then I would silently say to God, “but surely you aren’t going to tell me to do that right?”

WRONG!!!!!

At the beginning of 2016 we got our re-enrollment paperwork for school. There was a tuition increase that was a bit larger than normal. Once we spoke to the principal and found out the reasons we were fine with it. However, we wondered if we could handle the increase financially. At that point we began to think about our other options. It was then that I really started to think about homeschooling. And when I say “think about it”, I mean I tried to think about it as little as possible because it just wasn’t something I wanted to do. And full disclosure; my reasons were extremely selfish. I had a mental pros and cons list and while the pros list was quite long the only thing on the cons list was that I would lose my days to myself. I was in such turmoil it was kind of pathetic, almost embrarrasing. We began praying about whether or not to keep the kids at PCA. I was probably not praying as genuinely as I should have because of my strong desire to keep them there. When we received a financial blessing we jumped on it as if that was the answer we were looking for. We went ahead and re-enrolled and I thought things were great.

WRONG AGAIN!!!!

The last 6-8 weeks have been ridiculously stressful mentally for me. The battle between my selfish desires and my desire to obey God has been worse than it’s ever been in my life. I’m not trying to be melodramatic. There were days I could think of nothing else. I had no peace whatsoever. Zilch! Nada! I kept thinking, “but I can’t do BSF anymore, I won’t be able to go back to ILC, etc”. I wanted to spend my time doing good things, but God was asking me to do something even more important.

Slowly, like s-l-o-w-l-y…God began to peel back the layers of my heart and my mind. He used His Word, music, sermons, Sunday School lessons, BSF lessons and wonderful friends and even people I don’t know well to confirm what I knew deep down He was telling me. I was getting downright annoyed at times by all the confirmations He was giving me. I described it to one friend as if I was sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming that I didn’t want to hear, because I knew what it was I was supposed to do.

I very slowly began to reach out to God and tell Him that I wanted to obey, but I was just petrified. A fear of failure is one of the biggest weapons the Enemy uses against me and he was attacking with everything he could. Friends of mine who I know were just being funny were unfortunately helping him by joking with me that “I couldn’t do it”. Thankfully, God also put a woman in my life who did nothing but encourage me and tell me that of course I could do it. She will NEVER, NEVER know how meaningful that conversation on my front porch was.

At this point my prayers stopped being about asking Him what He wanted me to do, because I knew. They became “God, please change my desires”. And ya’ll…He did!!!! Not right away. Again, this was a slow process because I was still kicking and screaming as He was doing it. One friend told me last night “your face today compared to last week is totally different. Last week you were so conflicted and today you are so peaceful”. That is ALL GOD!!! I don’t think I’ve ever in my life experienced such a transformation in my desires. It's like a total 180!

But, because I’m so stubborn, I still wasn’t able to take that step. For almost a week I was just standing there on the edge. Starting to move forward, but so scared…even though by now I wanted to take the step! How God has patience with us, I’ll never fathom. This was still ALL I was thinking about. It was so all consuming and I knew that if I would just take the leap I would find the peace I was looking for. But I also knew that once I took the leap, the Enemy would come at me even harder so that would scare me back off the edge.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Finally, yesterday after more and more confirmations of the peace that would come, the blessing that would come from obedience, the strength He would give me for every moment He took my hand and led me over the edge. And just like I knew it would…the peace washed over me in such an obvious way. I’m not gonna lie, there is still some nervousness and apprehension, but the peace is so much bigger than that is.

I am so excited about what the future holds and the freedoms that this will allow us. I have so many ideas and plans and am so looking forward to figuring out what curriculum we will use, what co-op we will join, etc. I have gotten so much amazing input and advice and encouragement from homeschool moms that I’ve reached out to and I just can’t wait to dive in deeper. I’ve already got 3 different lists going ;);)

Obedience is so, so hard for me. Why it still is I don’t know because He has shown me so many times the blessing that will come. I’m only sharing this to encourage anyone else who is in the midst of a similar situation (not necessarily homeschooling) that it is so worth it to obey. It always is.

Just this morning, once again, God used His word to encourage me:

“She senses the worth of her work…” Proverbs 31

This is worthy work. And I’m so grateful He has called me to do it.

Dear First-Time Moms,

A friend of mine had a baby last week.

Her first baby.

As I looked at pictures and status updates I was reminded of my first few days, weeks and months of being a mother. While it can be fun to think back to those first few seconds and minutes of meeting my first born for the first time…if I’m honest, those next days, weeks and months weren’t always full of joy.

Yes, I loved her when I first saw her face. But truthfully I wasn’t “in love” with her right away.

I feel like there is so much pressure on us ladies to be “blissfully happy” from the moment that child exits our body. That this is the pinnacle and there is no way that anything can top it.

But let’s be honest for a bit.

Any of us who have experienced newborns know that it’s not all “candy and roses”. There is hard stuff to deal with. We are recovering physically (don’t get me started), emotionally (really don’t get me started) and hormonally (really, REALLY don’t get me started). And it’s not fun!!!!

I remember feeling so overwhelmed with all those things, but then ridiculously guilty because for the first couple weeks I wanted to stick her back inside and never let her come out again.

I know I am not the only mom who would just lay in the bed and cry (while sweating like a pig on a roasting pit) and wish life could go back to how it was before… and I wish more of us would be honest about it. I think it sets up unrealistic expectations for those moms that come behind us. We put on our “best face” so that others won’t see how all that craziness bubbling up inside.

Now, I do know that there are those people who just love the “newborn stage”. I am not one in any way shape or form. If I could birth a 6 month old (who was already developmentally a 6 month old), I would have done it. But even those moms have had moments where they were too overwhelmed for words.

I’m not saying everyone is going to be the same. I know not everyone is like me. I just want those new moms who aren’t drowning in happiness to know that it’s ok.

It will come.

I promise.

I can’t tell you when.

But it will. 

It's that time of year again.

Time for looking back, while at the same time looking ahead.

I feel like it's been a long time since I've spent this much time thinking about the past year and the upcoming year. Not sure why. Maybe because 2013 was such a rollercoaster of...well, everything.

I've gone from being lonely, depressed and uncertain of my future to seeing God restore a relationship I wasn't sure could every be made whole again. I've been on the high of hearing from the Lord on a hilltop in Caenarfon, Wales to ancient wounds in my heart being revealed a day later sitting around a dining table in Wales. I spent several months eargerly digging into a book of the Bible that spoke to me so profoundly to ONCE AGAIN letting the enemy steal the joy and peace of the Christmas season away from me. Up and down. Up and down...

Up and down.

I wish I could say I was starting out 2014 on an up, but I think I'm still more in the "down" category. I can't exactly figure out why - other than the fact that my failures keep bubbling to the surface. Faillure is probably my biggest fear and it's what the devil usually attacks me with. It's pretty cool that the next person in the Bible I will be studying is Gideon.

...

Back in my 20's I always made New Year's Resolutions. Always. I would print them out and tape them to my computer at work so I could see them. The problem was that I was ALWAYS trying to do them in my own power. I've been thinking for a few weeks about my "goals" or "resolutions" for 2014 will be. I've had lot's of different thoughts. But they all come down to basically this:

Speak less, listen more. 

Now, if you know me - you know that won't exactly be a walk in the park. This is something that I know is necessary for me to grow spiritually. (The only caviat is that I do need to talk to God more, but I also need to listen morer - I know that's not a word, just being silly). I have ideas of what I think God might be doing in my life and things He might want me to do. But I'll never get there if I don't learn to just shut up.

I say all this to so that you can help me. Kthnxbye :)

"Then I thought..."

I was reading Psalm 77 in my quiet time this morning. I have read this Psalm more times in my life than I can remember, but I never noticed this until this morning. Or if I have noticed it before, I've forgotten it. (that seems to happen at an alarming rate) 

The writer is Asaph and he is going through a difficult time in his life. It goes without saying that everyone has gone through a difficult time so we can totally empathize with what he is saying. In verses 1-9 he is crying out to God and feeling as if his prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. He even goes so far as to say, "will the Lord reject me forever?" That's a pretty harsh accusation, but if we are honest, I'm sure we have all said something similar to God in our lives. I know I have. 

Here is vv. 1-9:

1 I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out untiring hands,

and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

 The turning point in this passage is v. 10: 

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

the waters saw you and writhed;

the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

the heavens resounded with thunder;

your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

your lightning lit up the world;

the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

How often do we stop at v. 9? How often are we so caught up in our current situation and feeling as if God isn't doing anything that we never go to that next step and say, "ya know what? I remember all those things God has done in the past. I remember how He has taken care of me and I have full confidence He will do it again." How often do we "meditate on His works and consider all His mighty deeds?" I hate admitting that far too often I have gotten so stuck in my current situation that I have failed to look back and remember His faithfulness and the supernatural way He has worked things out for my good. 

For the past couple of years the verse that I keep going back to is Psalm 13:5-6: "But I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."

I pray that will continue to be what I keep going back to... That I keep  persevering until verse 10 ("Then I thought...") and not get stuck in my sorrow and hardship. 

Beauty in the Broken

We went to the beach today with some of our dearest friends. It was an absolutely perfect day. Rhonda and I were sitting and chatting while the kids played in the water, in the sand and of course looking for sea shells. Ansley came running up to me with 3 shells in her hand. She was so excited and so proud of her find.

Then I looked at them.

All 3 of them were broken. And if I'm honest, just plain ugly.

I gave her a fake, "oh aren't they nice!!" and threw them into my bag. I was totally unimpressed.

As the day went on however, I began to think of those 3 broken shells more and more.

We are those shells. I am those shells.

Thankfully, we don't have a Father who fakes excitement with us when we bring ourselves to Him. We have a Father who is genuinely overjoyed when we bring our broken lives to His throne of grace. Our Father cleans us up, shines us up until we sparkle so that the whole world will see Him in us.

The enemy on the other hand, doesn't want us to think that. He wants to remind us how broken we are. He wants us to dwell on the fact that some lots of the things in our past are just plain ugly. He tries to tell us that our Father could never be proud to call us His own.

I know how often I have listened to the Enemy instead of my Father. It can be a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. But I must remember that if my Father knows how many hairs are on my head, if He knows how many grains of sand there are in the world, then surely he cares about a broken shell.

And how much more does He care about me.


I think I may clean these up and shine them until they sparkle so that I will have a daily reminder.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

It's really happening

I've written before that for a very (very) long time I have wanted to go on a missions trip. For various reasons that hasn't happened in the past 33 years. I've continued to pray for the opportunity, but also to be patient and wait for God's timing. Not the easiest thing, even though He has given me some great outreach opportunities on a local level. Well, in October the biggest obstacle was removed. Danny finally told me he was ready to let me go!!! I was so excited!!! The trip I had the deep desire to go on was to Wales, but it was only for college age students so I figured God was saying no to it and decided to think towards the Haiti trip. A couple months later I found out that the Wales trip was opened up to all ages. I was even more excited then because I felt like God was giving me that chance to go to a place I just had that "feeling" about. You know that feeling? The one where you can't exactly understand that draw to whatever the "thing" it is.

Danny and I went on a cruise in December. The first night in the dining room we were seated with an older couple who were from....guess??? No really, guess!!! Yes!!! They were from Wales!!! Of all the places in the world thats where they were from. We talked all about the country and some of the history. I got their email address so I could tell them where I was going once I found out the name of the city.

We got home from our trip and I started getting my letter prepared for fundraising. I was waiting on one piece of information before sending them out. When I finally got the info I was told the money was needed by the end of February. I was told this at the beginning of February. I felt very frustrated and upset that I might not be able to go because I couldn't get the money in time. All the while praying that if this wasn't the right thing for God to reveal it to me. I sent the letters and hoped for the best.

We got an email the middle of last week that said we needed to order our plane tix in the next couple of weeks. Well, I was nowhere near having enough and became very discouraged. I talked to my best friend about it and figured that if I didn't get the money in time I would just send everyone's checks back. I was wondering if I had made a mistake, if I had heard God wrong. Well, like He likes to do...my sweet heavenly Father made it abundantly clear that I had indeed heard Him correctly. On Saturday I got a few checks and they totaled the EXACT amount I needed for the plane ticket!!!! I was so happy I couldn't even stand it.

But Sunday hadn't happened yet...

The sermon at church yesterday morning was basically about stepping out in faith and letting God work out all the details and being able to give Him all the glory for it. As I was listening I was just smiling thinking that God was in the midst of working out the details and I was able to just watch and enjoy. I had been given a couple checks in church, but didn't open them until I got in the car. When I opened them I about had a heart attack. I couldn't (still can't) believe the generosity of the people in my life. I was absolutely speechless most of the way home. I was in tears at one point because I was so overwhelmed with God's kindness...and His timing.

Now, I'm more nervous than ever...because unless something major happens - I AM GOING TO WALES!!! I AM GOING ON MY FIRST MISSIONS TRIP!!!! I'm excited, scared, anxious, everything!!!  I'm sad that my mom isn't here to share all this with, even though I believe she is telling our Father how thankful she is that He has taken such good care of me.

I'm trying to put into words how I feel and it's really not possible. However, this song explains it pretty well :):)

 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. "

Ephesians 3:20-21

 

(this was the verse that the sermon was preached from yesterday...

see what I mean about how cool our God is??)

Really God???

If you haven known me for any length of time, you know that I am not exactly a "kid person". I love my own and my friends kids...but that's generally about it. Sounds mean, I know.

I've worked in ETC at church because it's a duty (having my own in the nursery), not because there was this desperate desire to be with children.

I'm not even sure when it started, probably sometime the beginning of the year, I started having new feelings towards the kids each month. I remember being very surprised one month when I purely enjoyed my time with them. I began to enjoy it more and more and then *SHOCK* I started to enjoy being around kids I would randomly meet out in public. Somehow I knew better what to say to them, or I would joke with them and have fun. I remember thinking to myself, "God, please tell me you aren't preparing me to work with kids."

I'm sure He had a good chuckle when I said that. :)

Fastforward to June. There was a last minute need at VBS for a Kindergarten teacher. There had already been stirrings of "should I get more involved with kids?" so I decided to give it a shot. I figured it would be a nice short term thing that would tell me if this is what I wanted to do. At the end of the week I said to numerous people, "I loved it and had a blast, but I could never do this on a weekly basis."

I'm sure God laughed even harder that time :)

This past Sunday was my first official Sunday as a preschool teacher!! I wasn't looking to do it, but there was a need and as I prayed about it, it became glaringly obvious that God wanted me to do it. When I looked back over the past months I could see the progression to this place. I am so sad to leave my dearest friends from my Sunday School class, but I'm even more excited about this new adventure!!!

But as in everything...I can't help but think of my mom. She was a fantastic preschool leader and while I wish so badly that she could be here to help and encourage me, I know she is rooting me on from Paradise. Since she was so creative with her kids, I get the opportunity to use a lot of her handmade things in my class. I'm so excited to teach these children the same way I've seen her teach children in the past. I pray that God uses me the same way He used her.

I am so amazed at the plans God has for His children and I feel so fortunate to be a part of His plan!!!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 2

Well, today was a pretty darn good day.

We got to the conference in PLENTY of time…we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too.

The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, “people wonder if that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.”

Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love “Joy to the World” and particularly the last verse:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Well today while singing it, it kinda said something I’d never “heard” before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear.

Then he sang “O Holy Night”. This was my mom’s favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. I’m sure it didn’t happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there.

He sang another song I’d never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!

Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today.

I’ll be honest…after last night’s session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,” The point being that we won’t know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that “perhaps” it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:

We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness.

That which makes us the most joyful isn’t always what makes us the most useful.

You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it

I’ve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive God’s Word truly is.

One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and it’s so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and it’s such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me.

Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies we’ve done, I’ve never seen her cry to the point where she couldn’t talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency.

The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didn’t even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer.

We had a blast the rest of the day…just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. I’m writing and she’s reading. I’m soooooo relaxed!!

This weekend has been just perfect. I really can’t remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. It’s just been great that it’s all been rolled into one weekend!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 1

I’ve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I don’t forget it all!

The Beth Moore “Living Proof” event started tonight. I’ve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condoJ and made some good memories.

We got to the civic center and got some really great seats.

Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be like…at least a little bit J I’m not even sure the name of the first worship song, it’s one I’ve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is “our God is Healer, awesome in power…” I’ve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldn’t help but smile J

We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song – one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same song…”Revelation Song”. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I  As we got to the chorus:

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J

We sang a song I’d never heard before, I’m thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang “In Christ Alone” which speaks for itself and if you’ve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and  “I Love You Lord” which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say “favorite” a lot, but I just love so many of themJ

I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way J

I love how God has orchestrated things ahead of time. He knew that leading a Beth Moore study right now would have just been impossible. I actually finished up the last session of "Stepping Up" a week and a half before my mom died. It's also given other ladies an opportunity to lead, however...I have to say that I am really missing it. I feel a desire to lead again. I am praying and asking God if my motives are pure or not. I don't want to do it out of pride and I just don't know if that desire is pure or not. I think maybe the Holy Spirit just gave me an idea...:) If I can lead again come the new year I'm supposed to, and if I can't, then I'm not supposed to. We have limited studies on Wednesday nights and there may not be room for me to lead. Not sure if that is from Him or not...guess I'll just keep praying about it :)

Too tired to post much tonight other than to say how amazed I am at how the love of the Father can quiet a heart in such a sorrowful time. He is so amazing and I'm so glad I can't comprehend Him.

God is ridiculously cool!!

Right now is a very confusing, stressful, exhausting time in my life. Last night I just felt there was no way I was going to handle this. I had been reminded the night before about how so often we just "eat the seed" of the Word instead of actually "sowing it". I prayed that I wouldn't just keep eating it.

This morning I was getting ready to do a day of "Stepping Up". One of the things we are to do is pray prostrate on the floor before starting the study. I was on the floor asking God to quiet me, to sing over me because I simply knew I couldn't get through the next "however long" without Him doing that for me. Well, in God's "coolness" this is the scripture we were studying today:

Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I do not get involved with things
too great or too difficult for me.

Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself
like a little weaned child with its mother;
I am like a little child.
Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
both now and forever.  (Psalm 131)

It's verses 2-3 that really jumped out at me...obviously :) At this point...He still used v.1 later  though for a different issue:) It's just like God to answer your prayer in such a neat way. I'm going to type a lot of the exerpts from the lesson today because they are just sooooo good!!!

"Psalm 131 reminds us the words of God are not primarily for seminaries, dissertations and theological treatises. They are primarily for everyday living on the third rock from the sun..."  and another "It reminds me that the lofty words of God were meant for the lowlands of planet Earth."

Verse 1 talked about being prideful and how we get ourselves in over our heads in situations. Which I know I am so guilty of lately. She had us read Deuteronomy 29:29 to helps us know when a matter is too great for us. The answer being that what He has revealed to us as opposed to what He has kept seceret to Himself. Then she goes on to say: "The things God has revealed are meant for us to study, ponder, teach and share though even then with discrection and wisdom regarding our hearer's capacity to handle them. The secret things however, belong to God - for instance, exactly why planes hit buildings, tsunamis hit cities and children get cancer."

She talks about shutting our mouths at times instead of just talking like we know what we are talking about (or because we are just so overwhelmed):

"The primary reason we are sometimes at a loss for words is that we SHOULD BE at a loss for words. We're in over our heads and silence is our best option. And when the time for words does come, we're wisest to say what is true, 'I just dont know why things like this happen, but I'm so so sorry.' "

I know in my own life right now I feel like I've opened my mouth way too many times lately when I should have just said "I dont know and I'm sorry". I pray I won't forget this lesson. But it's also been a good reminder that it's ok to not know all the answers. I mean, until we reach Glory we really CAN'T know the complete answer answer. In our communication with God I am so grateful that we are allowed to be honest and say whatever it is we need to say. That we can ask Him why. Tell Him we don't know why He is allowing this. But realizing we also need to proclaim what we do know to be true about God - that He is compassionate, and gracious, slow to anger and rich in love, faithful, forgiving, etc"

This was the final quote of the day and again it spoke to me very personally:

"I do not seek , O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them; but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand." (Anselm - an 11th century monk)

Still "Stepping Up"

Ok, I know I said before how awesome this study was, but oh my goodness!!! It has just gotten better and better. I wish I could just transcribe everything I have learned. The Word of God is so amazing, I can't even begin to describe it. The thing that affected me the most tonight was about how at the Last Supper Jesus and the disciples would have sang the "Hallel" which is Psalm 113-118. That means He would have sung Ps. 118:24: "Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."... on the day He died. Can you even imagine? I know I can't.

And seeing the context of things Christ said...on certain days, during certain feasts (Feast of Tabernacles being the one we were learning about)...it's just amazing how perfect and totally complete the Bible is. I am so overwhelmed with wonder and awe right now...really.

"The Parable of the Playroom"

So for those of you who know me...you know I don't like to attempt difficult things. I'd just rather not even try, then to try and fail. Which is why ever room in my house (especially the ones with cool paint jobs) have been done mostly by my mom. I just watch and help with the easy stuff.

So when this playroom idea came about and I realized I was going to have to do this on my own, I was pretty nervous. I knew I wanted to do it while Danny was gone so that I could just focus on it and not have to worry about anything else.

Also...for a very long time I've basically looked at my mother as my "earthly Holy Spirit". I'm sure anyone with very godly parents understands what I mean. I've always used her "approval" as my own. I've known that wasn't right, but it was a habit I had started and one I didn't feel like breaking to be honest. With everything going on I knew one of the lessons God was teaching me was that I was now going to HAVE to depend fully on Him and not use my mom as my "safety net" if you will. I'll be honest, I really don't like having to learn these lessons this way.

That's how these 2 stories come together....

Wednesday morning as I was moving furniture out of the playroom I just began praying and asking God to have mercy on me...and make this job go smoothly. I told Him that He knew my personality and that I was having a difficult time knowing my mom wasn't going to be able to be a part of it and could He just make this a learning experience in all kinds of areas for me. Day 1 went right on schedule, one little snafu, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. My parents did come over Thursday and my mom tried her best to help tape some lines, but after 2 she just couldn't. I knew she wanted to be a part, but she just physically can't do things. I did so enjoy having her there though to be a part of it.

It really wasn't until Friday afternoon as I was painting the 2nd set of stripes that I even realized how smoothly this whole process had gone. Linda had taken Ansley all day Friday and Zach was in the middle of a 4 hour nap!!! I had time to finish everything and get it all cleaned up before he got up. I was on cloud nine...seriously!

It was so neat to me that God had used something purely physical and unimportant (the painting of a room) to show me that He was going to be my Helper, the one I could depend on for everything. Now believe me, I know there are going to be times here soon where I'm feeling lost without my mother, but God is already preparing my heart... I know it. He's gently telling me (and proving) that He loves me, everything about me. He made me just for this situation so of course He is going to take care of me through it, if I let Him. He gave me the most wonderful mother in the world. A woman who has raised me to love Jesus more than anything. My heart's desire is to love Him as much as she does. I could never express the wonderfulness that she is. She has taken care of me in every single aspect of my life. But now I need to truly let my Father do that, as I should have been all along.

Anyway, not sure if I'm expressing it how I really want to...but I love finding little "parables" or metaphors in life that can apply spiritually.

Here are some pics of the transformation. Still have some finishing touches of course :)

Before:

 Doing the work:

 After!!!:

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

"Stepping Up"

At the beginning of Summer the Holy Spirit laid on my heart to do this Beth Moore study. I hoped the church owned it so I could do it myself this summer. They didn't, which was fine.

After some things transpired I am now facilitating this class on Monday nights. IT IS AWESOME!!! I can't even describe it. I soooooooooooo know why God wanted me to do it now :) I love how He works things out better than we could ever imagine.

It's very different than any of her other studies I've done. So much more real reflection and seeing how you can apply each Psalm to your own personal situation. The Word of God is truly alive!!

Refreshed!

I've spent the last 2 days being pampered and waited on while sitting in a beautiful home at the beach and learning more ESL training. It has been so wonderful getting to know these women...particularly the women that I will be assisting this year. I'm so excited to be a part of this organization and am so humbled to be in the company of these people. I actually feel so ridiculously unqualified...these women have either been teaching forever, been missionaries to everywhere...OR BOTH!!! I've battleled a little bit with regretting how much of my life has been wasted. I know there is no point in that though.

Anyway, so excited about this new adventure...and so scared too!!!!

"wuv....twoo wuv"

We had a marriage seminar at our church last night with Kirk Cameron and Warren Barfield. It was wonderful! There wasn't a bunch of ground breaking information or anything, but it is always so good to be reminded about Who created marriage and what marriage is for. It always makes me feel closer to Danny somehow.

Warren told the story about how he wrote "Love is Not a Fight". Unfortunately I could so relate to that story. Danny and I don't fight like that often, but we have a few times and it is so devastating. I so appreciated Warren's honesty at sharing something so personal. I know how embarrassed I feel after a fight like that and I wouldn't want anyone to know the things we have said to each other.

My favorite lyric from that song has always been, "and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door". He talked about how he told his wife he was leaving that night of the argument but how grateful he was that God had sent angels to guard the door that night. It was so beautiful and I'll never listen to that song the same way again.

I'm so grateful for a husband who is trying sooooooooooooo hard to be the man God wants him to be. No, he's not perfect. But his hearts desire is to be all that God has for him and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I know I don't tell him that enough. Shame on me.

Anyway, it was a great night!!

He's working it out...

It's pretty cool to see how God works out all the little details. Even the ones that frustrate and annoy you. I think this new venture with the Women's Bible Study is going to be interesting. It may not work, but at least we can say we tried!!

Trusting is so hard!!

Why is trusting God so hard? We know He is faithful, we know He is going to do the best in the situation so why do we have such a hard time trusting Him???

Right now, ONCE AGAIN I can't sleep. But this time it's because I can't stop thinking about this situation (I don't want to say "problem" because that sounds bad) that I find myself in. I was given a position in our Women's Ministry at church. Myself and the director came up with this plan for Bible studies for the women. I was very excited and everyone I talked to about fascilitating was excited and on board also!! I figured it was obviously from God because that just doesn't happen. And now there is a huge curve ball thrown at us and I'm just not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure I'm hearing from God that I need to be the one to make the big change and do things differently with my study. Now we just need to get Danny on board with it. I also don't want to stifle the excitement of these other women. Hopefully they won't have the control issues I have and will just go with it.

Right now I'm just praying that what I'm hearing from God is right (but based on the very timely study I'm doing right now...it is), that Danny agrees to what I'm going to present and that the attendees will "think outside the box" also and get on board with what the church is wanting to try.

I'm so bad right now trying to just "let go and let God", but my prideful, selfish self just keeps wanting to hang on to it!!

Hmmmm...

I'm not very good with coming up with titles...maybe I'll just stop doing them.

Been feeling convicted today that even though the last few years I've learned a lot about God and all the things He can do in me...have I actually let Him change me? Or am I still trying to do everything in my own power, while just gaining knowledge about Him? Am I just getting more and more prideful and not truly LIVING a Christ-like life? Am I still the same on the indside, but just "looking" better on the outside?

What's interesting is that my Bible study today was about conviction...and how we know if it is truly from the Holy Spirit or if it's from the enemy. I'll be praying about this of course, but I think it really may a conviction and not just a way for satan to make me feel guilty.

This is the last thing I want to be...a hypocrite.