It's that time of year again.

Time for looking back, while at the same time looking ahead.

I feel like it's been a long time since I've spent this much time thinking about the past year and the upcoming year. Not sure why. Maybe because 2013 was such a rollercoaster of...well, everything.

I've gone from being lonely, depressed and uncertain of my future to seeing God restore a relationship I wasn't sure could every be made whole again. I've been on the high of hearing from the Lord on a hilltop in Caenarfon, Wales to ancient wounds in my heart being revealed a day later sitting around a dining table in Wales. I spent several months eargerly digging into a book of the Bible that spoke to me so profoundly to ONCE AGAIN letting the enemy steal the joy and peace of the Christmas season away from me. Up and down. Up and down...

Up and down.

I wish I could say I was starting out 2014 on an up, but I think I'm still more in the "down" category. I can't exactly figure out why - other than the fact that my failures keep bubbling to the surface. Faillure is probably my biggest fear and it's what the devil usually attacks me with. It's pretty cool that the next person in the Bible I will be studying is Gideon.

...

Back in my 20's I always made New Year's Resolutions. Always. I would print them out and tape them to my computer at work so I could see them. The problem was that I was ALWAYS trying to do them in my own power. I've been thinking for a few weeks about my "goals" or "resolutions" for 2014 will be. I've had lot's of different thoughts. But they all come down to basically this:

Speak less, listen more. 

Now, if you know me - you know that won't exactly be a walk in the park. This is something that I know is necessary for me to grow spiritually. (The only caviat is that I do need to talk to God more, but I also need to listen morer - I know that's not a word, just being silly). I have ideas of what I think God might be doing in my life and things He might want me to do. But I'll never get there if I don't learn to just shut up.

I say all this to so that you can help me. Kthnxbye :)

"Then I thought..."

I was reading Psalm 77 in my quiet time this morning. I have read this Psalm more times in my life than I can remember, but I never noticed this until this morning. Or if I have noticed it before, I've forgotten it. (that seems to happen at an alarming rate) 

The writer is Asaph and he is going through a difficult time in his life. It goes without saying that everyone has gone through a difficult time so we can totally empathize with what he is saying. In verses 1-9 he is crying out to God and feeling as if his prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. He even goes so far as to say, "will the Lord reject me forever?" That's a pretty harsh accusation, but if we are honest, I'm sure we have all said something similar to God in our lives. I know I have. 

Here is vv. 1-9:

1 I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out untiring hands,

and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

 The turning point in this passage is v. 10: 

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

the waters saw you and writhed;

the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

the heavens resounded with thunder;

your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

your lightning lit up the world;

the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

How often do we stop at v. 9? How often are we so caught up in our current situation and feeling as if God isn't doing anything that we never go to that next step and say, "ya know what? I remember all those things God has done in the past. I remember how He has taken care of me and I have full confidence He will do it again." How often do we "meditate on His works and consider all His mighty deeds?" I hate admitting that far too often I have gotten so stuck in my current situation that I have failed to look back and remember His faithfulness and the supernatural way He has worked things out for my good. 

For the past couple of years the verse that I keep going back to is Psalm 13:5-6: "But I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."

I pray that will continue to be what I keep going back to... That I keep  persevering until verse 10 ("Then I thought...") and not get stuck in my sorrow and hardship. 

Beauty in the Broken

We went to the beach today with some of our dearest friends. It was an absolutely perfect day. Rhonda and I were sitting and chatting while the kids played in the water, in the sand and of course looking for sea shells. Ansley came running up to me with 3 shells in her hand. She was so excited and so proud of her find.

Then I looked at them.

All 3 of them were broken. And if I'm honest, just plain ugly.

I gave her a fake, "oh aren't they nice!!" and threw them into my bag. I was totally unimpressed.

As the day went on however, I began to think of those 3 broken shells more and more.

We are those shells. I am those shells.

Thankfully, we don't have a Father who fakes excitement with us when we bring ourselves to Him. We have a Father who is genuinely overjoyed when we bring our broken lives to His throne of grace. Our Father cleans us up, shines us up until we sparkle so that the whole world will see Him in us.

The enemy on the other hand, doesn't want us to think that. He wants to remind us how broken we are. He wants us to dwell on the fact that some lots of the things in our past are just plain ugly. He tries to tell us that our Father could never be proud to call us His own.

I know how often I have listened to the Enemy instead of my Father. It can be a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. But I must remember that if my Father knows how many hairs are on my head, if He knows how many grains of sand there are in the world, then surely he cares about a broken shell.

And how much more does He care about me.


I think I may clean these up and shine them until they sparkle so that I will have a daily reminder.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

It's really happening

I've written before that for a very (very) long time I have wanted to go on a missions trip. For various reasons that hasn't happened in the past 33 years. I've continued to pray for the opportunity, but also to be patient and wait for God's timing. Not the easiest thing, even though He has given me some great outreach opportunities on a local level. Well, in October the biggest obstacle was removed. Danny finally told me he was ready to let me go!!! I was so excited!!! The trip I had the deep desire to go on was to Wales, but it was only for college age students so I figured God was saying no to it and decided to think towards the Haiti trip. A couple months later I found out that the Wales trip was opened up to all ages. I was even more excited then because I felt like God was giving me that chance to go to a place I just had that "feeling" about. You know that feeling? The one where you can't exactly understand that draw to whatever the "thing" it is.

Danny and I went on a cruise in December. The first night in the dining room we were seated with an older couple who were from....guess??? No really, guess!!! Yes!!! They were from Wales!!! Of all the places in the world thats where they were from. We talked all about the country and some of the history. I got their email address so I could tell them where I was going once I found out the name of the city.

We got home from our trip and I started getting my letter prepared for fundraising. I was waiting on one piece of information before sending them out. When I finally got the info I was told the money was needed by the end of February. I was told this at the beginning of February. I felt very frustrated and upset that I might not be able to go because I couldn't get the money in time. All the while praying that if this wasn't the right thing for God to reveal it to me. I sent the letters and hoped for the best.

We got an email the middle of last week that said we needed to order our plane tix in the next couple of weeks. Well, I was nowhere near having enough and became very discouraged. I talked to my best friend about it and figured that if I didn't get the money in time I would just send everyone's checks back. I was wondering if I had made a mistake, if I had heard God wrong. Well, like He likes to do...my sweet heavenly Father made it abundantly clear that I had indeed heard Him correctly. On Saturday I got a few checks and they totaled the EXACT amount I needed for the plane ticket!!!! I was so happy I couldn't even stand it.

But Sunday hadn't happened yet...

The sermon at church yesterday morning was basically about stepping out in faith and letting God work out all the details and being able to give Him all the glory for it. As I was listening I was just smiling thinking that God was in the midst of working out the details and I was able to just watch and enjoy. I had been given a couple checks in church, but didn't open them until I got in the car. When I opened them I about had a heart attack. I couldn't (still can't) believe the generosity of the people in my life. I was absolutely speechless most of the way home. I was in tears at one point because I was so overwhelmed with God's kindness...and His timing.

Now, I'm more nervous than ever...because unless something major happens - I AM GOING TO WALES!!! I AM GOING ON MY FIRST MISSIONS TRIP!!!! I'm excited, scared, anxious, everything!!!  I'm sad that my mom isn't here to share all this with, even though I believe she is telling our Father how thankful she is that He has taken such good care of me.

I'm trying to put into words how I feel and it's really not possible. However, this song explains it pretty well :):)

 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. "

Ephesians 3:20-21

 

(this was the verse that the sermon was preached from yesterday...

see what I mean about how cool our God is??)

Really God???

If you haven known me for any length of time, you know that I am not exactly a "kid person". I love my own and my friends kids...but that's generally about it. Sounds mean, I know.

I've worked in ETC at church because it's a duty (having my own in the nursery), not because there was this desperate desire to be with children.

I'm not even sure when it started, probably sometime the beginning of the year, I started having new feelings towards the kids each month. I remember being very surprised one month when I purely enjoyed my time with them. I began to enjoy it more and more and then *SHOCK* I started to enjoy being around kids I would randomly meet out in public. Somehow I knew better what to say to them, or I would joke with them and have fun. I remember thinking to myself, "God, please tell me you aren't preparing me to work with kids."

I'm sure He had a good chuckle when I said that. :)

Fastforward to June. There was a last minute need at VBS for a Kindergarten teacher. There had already been stirrings of "should I get more involved with kids?" so I decided to give it a shot. I figured it would be a nice short term thing that would tell me if this is what I wanted to do. At the end of the week I said to numerous people, "I loved it and had a blast, but I could never do this on a weekly basis."

I'm sure God laughed even harder that time :)

This past Sunday was my first official Sunday as a preschool teacher!! I wasn't looking to do it, but there was a need and as I prayed about it, it became glaringly obvious that God wanted me to do it. When I looked back over the past months I could see the progression to this place. I am so sad to leave my dearest friends from my Sunday School class, but I'm even more excited about this new adventure!!!

But as in everything...I can't help but think of my mom. She was a fantastic preschool leader and while I wish so badly that she could be here to help and encourage me, I know she is rooting me on from Paradise. Since she was so creative with her kids, I get the opportunity to use a lot of her handmade things in my class. I'm so excited to teach these children the same way I've seen her teach children in the past. I pray that God uses me the same way He used her.

I am so amazed at the plans God has for His children and I feel so fortunate to be a part of His plan!!!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 2

Well, today was a pretty darn good day.

We got to the conference in PLENTY of time…we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too.

The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, “people wonder if that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.”

Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love “Joy to the World” and particularly the last verse:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Well today while singing it, it kinda said something I’d never “heard” before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear.

Then he sang “O Holy Night”. This was my mom’s favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. I’m sure it didn’t happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there.

He sang another song I’d never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!

Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today.

I’ll be honest…after last night’s session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,” The point being that we won’t know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that “perhaps” it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:

We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness.

That which makes us the most joyful isn’t always what makes us the most useful.

You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it

I’ve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive God’s Word truly is.

One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and it’s so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and it’s such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me.

Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies we’ve done, I’ve never seen her cry to the point where she couldn’t talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency.

The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didn’t even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer.

We had a blast the rest of the day…just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. I’m writing and she’s reading. I’m soooooo relaxed!!

This weekend has been just perfect. I really can’t remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. It’s just been great that it’s all been rolled into one weekend!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 1

I’ve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I don’t forget it all!

The Beth Moore “Living Proof” event started tonight. I’ve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condoJ and made some good memories.

We got to the civic center and got some really great seats.

Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be like…at least a little bit J I’m not even sure the name of the first worship song, it’s one I’ve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is “our God is Healer, awesome in power…” I’ve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldn’t help but smile J

We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song – one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same song…”Revelation Song”. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I  As we got to the chorus:

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J

We sang a song I’d never heard before, I’m thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang “In Christ Alone” which speaks for itself and if you’ve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and  “I Love You Lord” which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say “favorite” a lot, but I just love so many of themJ

I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way J